Wednesday, July 4, 2012

We'll Meet Someday..

WARNING: This posting will make you cry. 
I lived it and I still cry. I cried as I wrote it even amongst the "Mommy, I want a drink", "Mommy, I have to go potty", "Mommy, I can't find my pjs", "Mommy, I'm hungry." (even though we just ate dinner)

I've been writing this story for the last few days and am finally ready to post it. It's a story of love and loss. Heartbreak and healing. I am so very thankful that the Lord gave me Jeff, my rock.

You see June 23rd wasn't just an anniversary celebrating when my husband and I became engaged. The following year my husband and I faced one of the biggest trials of our lives. Please read at your own risk.

Just four weeks before the 23rd we announced to our family that we were expecting our first child. It felt strange, this being pregnant. There wasn't any morning sickness and I ate EVERYTHING in site. You know the saying, "You're now eating for two." Well, I was doing my best.

One week later the bleeding started. It was slow, nothing we really thought to worry about. I stayed off my feet as much as possible. There wasn't anything but housework and meals that needed to be done since it was just the two of us. But even being off my feet did not help the bleeding to stop.

In the two weeks before my first doctor's appointment we took a trip to the ER and heard the heartbeat. Slow but still beating. That ever present sense of dread continued to grow as I found myself on the 16th of June staring at the screen of the ultrasound in my doctor's office. The immediate frown on the doctor's face only seemed to confirm my suspicion that there really was something terribly wrong. I was to be eight weeks along but our tiny little baby was measuring at only four weeks. I was sent for blood work with an appointment for a second ultrasound the following Friday

The bleeding had continued when the next week my husband and I found ourselves at the door of the radiology department at our local hospital waiting for yet another ultrasound. I remember the room so quiet, my husband and I straining to hear just the faintest sound of that tiny heart.

Yet there was nothing. No sound. No movement.

I cannot tell you how every fiber of my being was willing that little heart to beat. An overpowering ache began in my heart and spread throughout my body. The rest of the day passed in a blur. My brain was so numb.

Two days later, June 23, 2007, we said our last good-byes to the little one we would never know this side of glory. We sought comfort in Scripture and in hymns. One hymn in particular I still cannot sing to this day without crying:
Day by Day
By Carolina S. Berg

Day by day and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best--
Lovingly, it's part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He whose name is Counselor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As they days, they strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

It took weeks of sitting on the floor of our apartment during the lonely hours of the night begging my Heavenly Father for sweet peace. Many dear friends called, wrote, cooked meals, visited, and simply prayed. Each gesture meant the world to us.

And my Father--ever faithful...the true healer. He gave the sweet peace Jeff and I needed to begin the healing process. And He gave hope. Hope that our baby was in Heaven, enjoying a perfect life, a perfect body. There would be no sickness, no pain. Only rejoicing in the presence of our dear Savior.

THEN He gave us Michael...and sixteen months later, Melody. Oh how my heart rejoiced as I held each of my children just seconds after their births. "I've no cause for worry or for fear" because I DO know I'll see my baby someday.

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